NSW police officer Brayden James Sharrock had been on leave in mid-2024 for mental health reasons and was suffering from injuries which left him unable to play rugby league.
"I felt like a loser," he told the Sydney District Court on Tuesday.
The 38-year-old said he had been contemplating suicide when he researched steroids and thought it might be the key to his recovery.
He told the court he has since learned about the dangers of the substances he was peddling.
When asked how he would feel if he had caused someone's death, the former Wagga Wagga police officer became emotional.
"I wouldn't want that to happen," he said through tears.
"I've let everyone down - my family and myself."
Sharrock told the court there was "no chance" he would repeat the offending, which involved supplying and possessing prohibited drugs and restricted substances.
He was arrested in September 2024 after an investigation into reports of a police officer supplying prohibited drugs.
More than 130 vials bearing Ferrari Pharmaceuticals labels were found during a search of his house in Wagga Wagga, the court was told.
But Sharrock denied he had been planning to expand his business, arguing he had given some to friends but the illicit drugs had mostly been for personal use.
A message referring to a "first customer" had been a joke, he told the court.
He admitted he made a stupid error when he gave police a PIN code that would wipe a dedicated encrypted device he used to purchase steroids and to access forums about drugs.
The former police officer said he was embarrassed about messages to his ex-wife that were on the phone and worried that they would get back to his current partner.
Under grilling from crown prosecutor Benjamin Nicols, he accepted there were also embarrassing things on another phone for which he had provided the correct access code.
Sharrock agreed he lied when he told police he wasn't aware the PIN could wipe the encrypted device but denied doing so because the device contained records of illicit activity.
He rejected suggestions that he was trying to minimise his offending.
"I'm embarrassed and I'm sorry," Sharrock said.
Mr Nicols noted he had taken steps to avoid his criminal activity being detected and emphasised that he was in a special position because of his role as a police officer.
Judge Stephen Hanley didn't accept that the encrypted device was being used to conceal an extramarital affair.
"I didn't come down in the last shower," he said.
"Everything I've heard today suggests someone thinks I did."
Sharrock will be sentenced on November 24 for 13 offences, including five counts of supplying small quantities of a prohibited drug.
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